When you hear the words “Shanah Rishonah” – “The First Year [of marriage] how do you feel? Many of you I imagine will cast your minds back to that wonderful exciting “first year” of marriage, and then slowly come back to reality, to the hustle and bustle of everyday life, and then let out a sigh! The singles may well say, “no, not me! My marital bliss will last forever” – a deep meaningful insight provided by the movies from Hollywood and the fairy tales which end with the married couple disappearing in love into a setting sun, ‘to live happily ever after’.
Every year in Parshas Ki Zatzai when we read the ‘newlywed’s’ prescription for their “Shanah Rishonah”, I am reminded of something I was told in the week before my wedding. “You know” My Rabbi warned me with quite a serious look on his face, “Shanah Rishonah is a minimum not a maximum!”. You can extend it for longer, or even after having left the first year behind you can opt for some more of it.
The point the Rabbi was trying to impress upon me is that the message the Torah is trying to convey to the ‘newlyweds’ is eternal. Throughout the marriage the couple are to tap in and grow from the ‘newlyweds’ experience of excitement and happiness. As my father says, “The day of your marriage is not the happiest day of your life; it is the beginning of the happiest day of your life”. What then is the Torah’s message to the newlyweds?
“When a man marries a new wife, he shall not go out to the army, nor shall it obligate him for any matter; he shall be free for his home for one year, and he shall gladden (ve’simach) his wife whom he has married”
The goal is quite clear – “and he shall gladden (ve’simach) his wife”. Let’s take a look at Rashi who clarifies what exactly is meant with these words. First he quotes the Unkelos who translates, “ve’simach” as “he shall gladden his wife”, then Rashi says, “he who renders it “he shall be glad with his wife”, is mistaken, for this is not the translation of “ve’simach” but “ve’somach”.
Subtle but quite different. Marriage has to be set up on the premise that each spouse is interested first and foremost with the other’s needs. Not what can I get out of this but how can I make this better for my spouse. Interestingly the more one is interested in the other persons needs the better the relationship will be, and the more you will gain from it – although this must not be the agenda. [In fact anything said about marriage equally applies to any relationship we have. To give to another human being can be an act of Chessed but if the sole intention is for myself, then you aren’t really a giver].
If we now contrast the newlywed who “gladdens his wife” with the preceding section a mere four verses earlier, we will notice a striking difference. We read, “If a man marries a woman and lives with her, and it will be that she will not find favor in his eyes……. then he writes for her a bill of divorce (a Get)”.
The Torah generally speaks in the purest and elevated language possible when describing things. Unless absolutely necessary, the Torah will speak in a roundabout way rather then speak in a vulgar upfront manner. For example we are told that Noach takes into the Ark “animals that are not pure” rather than say he took “impure animals”. How then are we to understand the choice of words regarding a man marrying a woman – does the Torah really need to spell it out for us?
Explains R’ Yissocher Frand. The Torah is giving us the clue as to why the divorce possibly came to be. How can it be that two individuals who once loved each other and felt that they would spend their entire lives together came to dislike each other so much that he must give her a Get? The answer is that the marriage was built not on the prerequisite of “ve’simach” – ‘to give’ to the other spouse, but on “ve’somach” – ‘to get’ from the other spouse – to fulfill his own desire. She will provide for me a medium for my physical desires. Such a marriage is a non-starter.
Marriage has to be about the we not the me! Take note that in the word wedding, the ‘I’ comes after the ‘We’! If marriage is not built on “give to give” but on “give to get” then indeed a get is a suitable outcome!
Is this not also the Torah’s remedy for the soldier at the beginning of the Parshah who sees the beautiful non-Jewish woman across the battlefield? Yes, the Torah permits the marriage to her, but first the Torah prescribes that she must stick around the house with her head shaven and she must allow her nails to grow long. Do you still want to marry her? Or perhaps the impulsive feelings have evaporated already. The Torah is reminding us how proper marriages are built.
Good Shabbos,
Yaakov