Yaakov Hibbert Presents…How Can I Miss You If I Don’t Go Away?

The joke is told a about a man who goes to divorce his wife. His friends try and convince him out of it but he insists and lists outs all the various reasons why she is anything but perfect for him. No sooner has the divorce gone through; his friends hear that he has remarried her. Astounded they approach him for an explanation. “She’s ok for a second wife!”

What changed? Once he got rid of her he began to appreciate her! Whilst he was married to her he took for granted all the good points and focused on the problems that she presented. When she was gone he suddenly was forced to confront the reality and see that she wasn’t that bad after all. It reminds me of a fridge magnet that reads, “how can I miss you if you don’t go away!” More often than not we don’t appreciate what we have until it is taken away from us.

This suggests the Shemen Hatov is what the Torah teaches us in this week’s Parshah. After Moshe had completed forty days and forty nights learning Torah with Hashem he was presented with the Tablets. They are described very briefly, “stone tablets inscribed by the finger of Hashem”.

The story continues with the incident of the Golden Calf and as Moshe makes his way down the mountain and is about to smash the Tablets we are given an in depth description about them; “tablets inscribed on both their sides; they were inscribed on one side and the other. The Tablets were Hashem’s handiwork, and the script was the script of Hashem engraved in the tablets”. These various expressions are explained in further depth in the Talmud. The writing was read both left to right and right to left! The words were engraved through the stone from one side to the other and yet you could read them from each and every side. Letters such as ‘final mem’ and ‘samech’ which should have fallen out miraculously stayed in place.

Only as they were about to loose the Tablets did the Jews begin to appreciate them. Such is human nature – the beauty and miraculous phenomenon went unnoticed until they were about to be taken from them. Our inability to appreciate what we have before it is too late is one of the saddest aspects of human nature. As the tablets were smashed the Jews suddenly were awakened to their importance, and amazing qualities. The Jews were taught a lesson for all-time; to appreciate what they had – before it was too late.

Similarly we find in Parshas Chukas that it was only at the end of the forty years in the desert – when Miriam died resulting in the loss of the well that accompanied us through the desert – that they sang a song commemorating the ‘Well of Miriam’.

Reb Chaim Kaufman pointed out an example where we are taught to appreciate things before they are taken away. Every Friday night at Kiddush we say “va’yinafash”. The Talmud [Beitzah 15a] explains the word to be a composite of, “vay” and “nafesh” – “woe to the soul”. We are bemoaning the extra dimension of soul, that we are blessed with on Shabbos because we are going to loose it when Shabbos departs. We mention it at the beginning of Shabbos as if to remind ourselves, “don’t forget, in 25 hours we are going to leave Shabbos behind! Make the most of our special Shabbos time”.

I once came across a Rabainu Bachay [1255-1340] who said (in my own words) that if someone is struggling with dealing with his children then he should say the prayer that the childless Chanah said (See Samuel I Chapters 1,2) when she prayed to be blessed with children! Step back for a moment and feel the plight of Chanah and sense the quietness of a house not blessed with children. Suddenly all those dirty nappies, the writing on the walls and the quibbles that children suck you into become like music to your ears. As the proverb goes, “I had no shoes and I complained until I met a man without feet!”

It’s a challenge, but a challenge worth accepting. R’ Noach Weinberg encourages everyone to make a ‘Happiness Chart’. He recommends spending an hour writing down all the things that you have and that you can appreciate. After this, then spend 15 minutes each week looking at the list, adding new things and then trying to put things in order by asking penetrating questions such as. If I had to give up one thing would it be my hands or my feet? My car or my house? 20k a year or an hour with my wife uninterrupted? Why not give it a try.

Good Shabbos, Yaakov