Yaakov Hibbert Presents… Threat

A few years ago while I was bringing the kids into the house my Akiva [then aged 5], threw me a curved ball! My dear Hadassah refused to come out the car and into the house. I threatened her with something along the lines of, “if you don’t come in then I am leaving you locked in the car while we go and have lunch!” and proceeded to make my way into the house. Akiva, tugged urgently on my jacket and objected, “You can’t leave her locked in the car”. It was when I told him that I was only joking, that he challenged me, “Abba, when is it a joke and when is it a lie?”

In Akiva’s mind to utter something that was not true was a lie, full stop. Did I intend to leave her locked in the car? No. So saying that I was going to do so was tantamount to lying. For weeks I struggled with Akiva’s penetrating question. Is he right? Can one not utter anything that is incorrect, even in jest? Even in order to educate? I’d like to share with you a taste of some of the sources on this concept.

The first idea that needs to be sorted is the Halachic perspective, particularly within the realm of education. Deviating from the absolute truth is indeed permitted in many educational circumstances; several sources point to the idea that the educator is allowed to falsify statements in order to educate. We read several times in the Gemora of instances where teachers fabricated facts in order to alert their pupils, or to entice them into conversation. The Shulchan Aruch [Code of Jewish Law] brings down the Halachah that teachers should make deliberate erroneous statements in order to sharpen the student’s minds.

Having ascertained that it is Halachically permitted to speak the untrue as an educational prop [but how do I explain that to five-year-old Akiva?], the second issue that needs to be discussed is, are ‘empty threats’ really educational. How effective are lines like, “if you don’t do such and such then the summer holidays are cancelled!”?

I can hear the parents / educators screaming, “of course they are educational – they work! We use them the whole time!” Indeed Hadassah got out the car pretty quick! However……. Allow me to explain.

This week we read how Yaakov deceives his father by dressing up as his brother Eisov in order to receive the blessing. Yaakov was given the go-ahead to do this trick by his mother Rivka who received a prophecy that he should act accordingly, however Yaakov’s manner of speech in the episode is very interesting. When asked by his father, “Who is there?” Yaakov responds, “I am Eisov your first born” – seemingly a blatant lie. Says the Medresh that really – and this is what Yaakov had in mind – you could read the verse, “I am who I am, and Eisov is your firstborn”. Brilliant, so Yaakov didn’t lie! But Yaakov knew that what he was saying was going to be heard as a lie, so what does it help to speak in a way that can be interpreted in one way when there was no reason to assume that his father would interpret that way?

Classically the understanding of this lie is that although Yaakov was given a go-ahead to lie, but being the Man of Truth, as much as he could comply with the truth he wished to do so. So he carefully worded his reply in a way that at least could be a truth even though there was no reason to believe that his father would hear this truth. But we still need to explain fully, how if what he said was going to be heard as lie, has he gained by this clever speech?

Perhaps we can explain as follows. Yaakov gained tremendously from the way he said this lie. From Yaakov’s perspective he had uttered the complete truth – Yaakov in his own world had upheld the value of his own words. For him there had been no cheapening of his own words. Yaakov knew this and that was all that was important – Yaakov still viewed everything he had said as only being truthful. To once lie would have been to cheapen his whole view on the importance of saying the truth, so for himself he had to utter the words in a way that was truthful, at least to himself.

Such is the importance of not cheapening our words. What we say affects the power of what we say! To make ‘empty threats’ even under the guise of ‘educational props’ we are actually cheapening our words. After hearing enough empty threats, a child’s view of his parent’s statements are weakened. Just as one statement they didn’t really mean, so to another one. This time it was just a joke so perhaps next time I shouldn’t take it seriously either. Empty threats may indeed work, and may even be permitted if they are for educational purposes, but if they are just noise, and they cheapen our words in the eyes of the pupil then they are not really educational!

Good Shabbos, Yaakov.