Yaakov Hibbert Presents… You Scratch My Back And I’ll Scratch Yours

There’s an old English saying, “you scratch my back, and I’ll scratch yours” that I’ve been pondering this week. Does Judaism approve of such an approach; is this a Torah-sound concept? My first port of call was to try and track down the origins of this saying, with the hope that I could trace it back to the Torah, perhaps a verse in Proverbs, I thought. One interesting source traced the saying to the 17th century:

              “This term has a nautical derivation. In the English Navy during the 17th century, the punishments for being absent, drunk or disobedient were severe. One punishment would see the offender tied to the ship’s mast and flogged with a lash (known as a cat o’ nine tails) by another crew member. Crew members struck deals between themselves that they would deliver only light lashes with the whip (i.e. ‘just scratching’ the offender’s back’) to ensure they were treated the same should they ever found themselves on the receiving end at some time in the future”.

There is a great marriage book, “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” [Highly recommended by Rabbinic Marriage Counselors], that centers on the concept of, “you scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours”.

It sounds like a great idea; it even makes very cute pictures! But is this what the Torah sees as good relationship etiquette?

There’s a piece of Gemora that I often quote to people that tells us that it is forbidden to marry a woman unless you have seen her. Why? Because when you do get to see her you may see something that you don’t like, says the Gemora. I then ask them, “so what?” The answers usually boil down [after a little prodding and asking “so what” several times!] to, “you’ll end up getting divorced and you won’t be happy”.

Virtually no one has ever come up with the reason of the Gemora! – “You’ll end up getting divorced and she will be unhappy – which will be a violation of the Torah command to love ones fellow Jew!”

On the front cover of “Men are from Mars” there is a single sentence which describes the outline of the book that is terribly revealing. “A practical guide for improving communication and getting what you want in your relationships” (my emphasis!). The Talmud it seems has a different outlook for the success of a relationship; a focus on the spouses needs. Not, what can I GET out of this marriage, but what can I GIVE to this marriage. I don’t scratch you so that you will scratch me – that’s giving to be able to take. I give in order to give!

I heard the most fabulous idea which really puts the nail in the coffin of the “you scratch my back I’ll scratch yours” theory. We all know that the Halachic way to get married is by giving of a ring. This process is actually learnt out from a verse in this week’s Sedra. Marriage is described as, “when a man shall take a woman”. The Rabbis drew comparison from the word “to take [yikach]” that is the wording chosen by the Torah here, to the term “vayikach” that is used in describing Avraham ‘taking’ [after having paid for it!] the field of Efron in order to bury his wife Sarah in it.

Besides for the comparisons that you may be thinking of between marriage and death! Why does the Torah allude to the method of beginning a marriage in a seemingly totally unconnected episode regarding Avraham buying a burial plot off the king Efron?

We know that the Chessed done by the Chevra Kadisha in burying the dead is called “Chessed Shel Emes” – ‘emmeser chessed’ – true real kindness. Why? Because in this type of kindness you get nothing back in return!

What we are being taught by the Torah is that the way a marriage is built – from the very first building block [ring] is an attitude of “giving to give”. Every act within marriage is intrinsically linked to that final act of kindness that Avraham did for his wife! True undiluted ‘emmeser chessed’. This should be our attitude to all acts of kindness that we do, not just to one’s spouse. The Torah demands a standard of loving your fellow like yourself. When you give to yourself you don’t expect a return of favour! Let’s finish with a most amazing story of someone who knew how to give with no bounds.

“A young couple suffered three miscarriages in their first two years of marriage. Shortly before the High Holidays the husband developed a bad cough. During Succos the doctor informed him that he’d have to go for tests. Everyone was nervous except the husband himself, who was remarkably calm.

He was diagnosed with a lung tumor which required surgery. All the family members were on ‘shpilkes’ waiting for the lab results, but still he remained absolutely calm. The tumor turned out to be benign. A short while later the wife was expecting again, but this time the pregnancy progressed without any problems.

“After thinking about what was going on, I came to the conclusion that our Neshomah [Soul] must need some sort of Tikun (rectification),” the husband explained. “I davened that instead of you going through the suffering as you have in the past, I should be the one to suffer.”

His wife gave birth to a healthy baby boy….. on the anniversary of his surgery.”

Good Shabbos, Yaakov