A Chumash teacher was teaching Vayeshev. The Rebbe spoke about the hatred and jealousy that developed amongst the sons of Yaakov towards their brother Yosef. They learnt how, “Yisroel loved Yosef more than all his sons ….. and he made him a fine woollen tunic. His brothers saw that it was he whom their father loved most of all his brothers, so they hated him; and they could not speak to him peacefully”. The Rebbe delicately explained to the students the entire episode.
Then a boy raised his hand and asked, “Why do we not find that the brothers had complaints to their father Yaakov over him showing favouritism to Yosef? Why do we not find that they took up their grievances with their father?”
The Gemora indeed learns out from the whole episode how careful one must be not to show favouritism to one child above another. Why was it, that the ill feelings of jealousy and hatred were directed only at Yosef?
The Rebbe said he liked the question and he would look in to the commentators when he got home. He went home and spent some time trying to find a commentator who addresses this question but to no avail. After a few days of extensive searching he wrote a letter to the leading sage of the generation the great Reb Chaim Kanievsky.
Listen carefully to Reb Chaim’s reply. “You will not find this question asked in any of the commentaries!” Reb Chaim wrote. “It is not a question any of them ever had. This is a question only for our generation!”
Take a moment to digest his answer. Why did no one ask this question before? For thousands of years, people; scholars and laymen alike learnt through this section of the Torah and it NEVER crossed anyone’s mind that the brothers should have had any complaints or feelings of hatred towards their father Yaakov. Brothers? Yes! We find plenty of hatred between them in the Torah – Kayin and Hevel, Yitzchok and Yishmael, Yaakov and Eisov – but brothers are just fellow peers, contemporaries – on the same level as each other. But that is where the buck stops. The parent is at fault? G-d Forbid! They may not have liked the decisions but it was innately understood that what parents did was with a valid calculation. Nebach that in 2016 we have this burning question. In our generation children have become to see themselves as equals and colleagues to their parents thus leading them to have an opinion – which they feel can be expressed – contrary to their parents.
Is this not what the Gemora means when it says that in the final days before the coming of Moshiach there will be a surge of chutzpah? There will be a breakdown of the family hierarchy – no longer will the parents be seen with awe and reverence, respect and admiration. Nachmonadies writes that the Mitzvah of fearing one’s parents that we find in this week’s Sedra tells us to act toward them as one would treat a sovereign!
We read, “every man: your mother and father shall you revere and My Sabbaths shall you observe – I am Hashem, your G-d”. This connection between the Mitzvah of how we treat our parents and Shabbos is seen again in the Ten commandments where Shabbos is juxtaposed to honouring one’s parents. But how are we to understand the last clause of the verse, that seems to be just dumped in at the end, “I am Hashem, your G-d”?
We can readily understand how the goal of Shabbos is to bring us to the realisation that “I am Hashem, your G-d”. We spend one day a week thinking and reminding ourselves about the Creator of the world. But what has honouring one’s parents got to do with this clause?
Perhaps we can answer this problem through an idea found in the writings of Rav Hirsch, with regard to educating children. Rav Hirsch writes, “You should let the child know that the demands that you make of him are determined only by the requirements of absolute goodness, and that in making these demands, you yourself are acting in obedience to a Higher Authority”. I.e. you are educating him to a system not just of authority of parents wanting the child to be moulded to suit their ideals but to the ideals of a most perfect system – the fully comprehensive system that Hashem has set up.
There are two ways a child will learn that you yourself are acting in accordance with a higher authority. Firstly if your ‘rules’ are not born out of a temporary mood or of selfish desire. If a child senses that the rules are made up on whim then he too will behave according to his whims. Secondly a child who sees his parents only giving commands and not practicing obedience will not sense the real Higher Authority. “Fortunately, truly Jewish parents have a powerful educational tool in this regard. In a Torah-observant home, on a constant basis, children see both parents happily [my bold underline!] obeying a Higher Will in many varied ways.” Rav Hirsch has paved a path which he says will train children in the most fundamental virtue – happy free-willed obedience to a higher will!
Perhaps this is how the words “I am Hashem, you G-d” are to be understood. Incidentally this will explain why honouring one’s parents is on the side of the Ten Commandments with the Mitzvahs between man and G-d – surely it should be in the “between man and man” side? When we respect and revere our parents we are respecting them for them being the higher authority who is just an ambassador of the real Higher Authority. When this is in place – it is out of question to entertain that the brothers would think to direct their feelings towards Yaakov!
Our job as children is pretty clear! Re-evaluate and get working on the Mitzvah of revering our parents in the correct way. But for those of us who are parents we must see to it that we are behaving in a way that will make our children revere us. Are we setting a good example? Are we showing that we are governed by The Higher Authority? We must give our children the best opportunity to be able to respect us, so when the time comes that we must make those difficult decisions that they may want to question, they will innately accept without any fall-out with the parent.
Good Shabbos, Yaakov